make up makeup

I have worn makeup since the 9th grade. My mother encouraged me to conceal my zits with cover-up and I haven't missed more than a day or two in the last 13 years of my life without putting makeup on. Under eye circles? Cover them up. New freckle on my forehead? Cover it up. Red blotchy skin? Cover it up. Real skin peeking through? Cover it up. Ads for foundations, concealers, cover-up sticks, blemish correctors have all somehow made their way into my psyche and have become my daily routine. Many advertisements pitch themselves as 'showing the real you.' Who am I doing this for? Is it for me? Is it for everyone else? The interesting thing I've noticed is that I put on concealer and a light application of foundation even whether I am going out into the public or not.

Regardless of how wrong I believe these following statements are...they are embedded in me: I feel vulnerable without makeup. I feel ugly without makeup. I feel less desirable without makeup. I feel unworthy without makeup on.

The makeup I'm talking about here is coverup. Makeup made for the intention of concealing one's 'flaws.' In the last year, I have been battling with this struggle due to my boyfriend's insistence that I stop hiding myself from under a veneer of makeup. He claims my glow is gone and my face turns into that of a lackluster baby doll. I can't help but to continue having these crazy thoughts such as, "well maybe he can't see the real me when I'm not wearing makeup" or "He's just saying these things to be nice."

I have battled with a low self-esteem most of my life (who hasn't), and feel that in the last two years I have become stronger; yet makeup remains like a ball and chain to my very self. I used to PANIC when I would spend the night somewhere without my makeup, now I still panic but I am becoming aware of how irrational these thoughts and feelings are - which seems to be the first step to becoming comfortable in my own skin.

Is this only a struggle that women go through? Any men reading out there? How do you feel about makeup? Any women out there who don't wear makeup? Did you used to? What was your decision? Do you feel conflicted about it?